For better or worse. Small scale or large. Personal or shared. What is an event you’ve experienced that changed the way you act, live, feel, etc. It could be short-term or long. Share what you feel comfortable with. Triumphs and tragedies alike.
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Must’ve been around 13-15, went to a pizza hut with my then girlfriend. I saw a darker skinner, heavy-set lady walking over to the counter with her two kids, all of them looking a little dishevelled. Without thinking I said “She looks poor” in probably a demeaning manner to my girlfriend, and she answered “you say that like it’s her fault”.
I’m dumb as fuck so the penny didn’t drop until several years later about the reality of my privilege, and how unfair and fucked up the system really is. Nearly ended up alt-right, now I’m a comrade.
Gunna sneak in here, because I clearly don’t know when to quit - and say the funniest thing is that up until like…now - where middle class folks are seemingly just as heavy as impoverished folks - I think the reason why so many poor folk were always so heavy is because you literally never get real food. All of it’s some processed super high-salt slop that you can’t really run off of. And when you’re hungry - you don’t really run well. And it feels like you’re really eating food, but you sure as hell never are. Outside of like…holidays maybe. But even then - it’s a lot of canned shit. It’s why I am a huge proponent of the “immigrant/fob” diet. Of like - eating simple homecooked meals. Like rice and beans all the way, add a veggie and you’re clutch - and an apple for desert? Choice! But yeah, everyone I grew up around was fatter than shit. And it’s cause not a soul ever was eating food. And the produce we could get could fit in a deli shelf. And I think about it so often, like - how the fuck does America get away throwing away so much actual food (worked at grocery stores before and we trash a shitton of food) - but we can’t be bothered to give real food to a large percentage of our population? It’s fucking naners. I bet you this event meant nothing at the time, but floated up like cream when you needed it - and it’s funny how stuff works like that retroactively teaching you lessons. Hahahaha! You got this king of kings!
At the time it felt like I should be learning something but I just felt a bit ashamed, being nagged and all. Yk the saying, wisdom was chasing me but I was faster. Just needed my knees and back to ache for it to catch up. It honestly wasn’t even age that got it to land. I just met people that didn’t really go to the same places I did, or had a different idea of a hangout spot. I needed to see stuff with my own eyes to learn.
I’m slowly making my way through leftist theory, and introducing my equally-as-privileged friends into it, and have managed to change some of their beliefs which previously were set in stone. They’re still liberal as shit, but at least now understand socialism/communism isn’t just people trying to take their stuff.
Yo! You’re the resistor person, hey! Hahahaha!
I used to be so excited for the internet. I thought we were building towards something grand. And I mean, the internet is super cool - I have no clue where you are, but I know you’re not around me. And it’s cool as hell I can say - HEY RESISTOR PERSON! But the echo-chamber stuff is scary business. The slimy entrepreneurial aspects freak me out too. I’ve also been wrestling with my own politics as a whole. I am for sure in one of the most liberal spaces in the world (not born and raised, perhaps more so siren songed) and to be absolutely honest I am not in love. There’s some aspects that are cool, but socially? I am a butterfly, here? Eh. I love my partner though, so I stay. But 10/10 not my favorite place by half. Which has me wondering - I am liberal most def. But I don’t believe I am liberal enough for this place. Which sounds freakin’ bananas because you’d imagine a queer little mixed one like me would be doing great out here. But it all seems so performative to be honest. Like if virtual signaling was the thing that got people off. Idk.
Which is where I am fucked up, cause it’s got my head a certain way. But I also am by 0 means conservative. Just has me a certain way that makes you stand back, tilt your head to your side with your arms crossed and have a solid “huh” kinda think.
Also - propaganda is so strong that things that got circled around generations ago is still making the rounds! Look at how media is mind control =P! Also it takes me a hundred years to arrive to anything. The fact that you got it at all, when you’re living in a majority conservative space is huge. Because it’s really easy for people to follow “the leader” (being the majority here) instead of sticking their neck out for what they believe in. So kudos, you and yours are probably a bastion of hope in a smattering of hate =P!
It was during “outdoor school,” a week long thing you did in sixth grade (age 12) at my school. You stayed in these really cool cabins that were like 100 years old and spent the week learning about nature. It was fun. Very classic summer camp type of environment.
Also, other schools from the area did it at the same time, so there were a bunch of unfamiliar kids there. Two of the kids in my cabin were from another school, and they perfectly fit the stereotype of “edgy, bad 90s kid.” Super baggy JNCO jeans, spiked hair with a ton of gel, etc. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, watch any teen show from the 90s. They’re in it. Oh, and they said everything was lame. And gay. The cabins were gay, nature was gay, the camp was gay, your glasses were gay. You were definitely gay. That’s why you thought outdoor school was fun: because you were gay. The JNCO jeans kids were way too cool for outdoor school.
I should mention that I was a huge nerd. I mean, I still am, but I was, too. JNCO jeans kids were way cooler than me.
For the whole week, we kept hearing about “the night hike,” which was when you would go on a hike, by yourself, in the dark. The camp really played up the night hike, like it was going to be this big coming of age moment for us. You need to be responsible on The Night Hike. You need to stay sharp on The Night Hike. You’ll be a man after The Night Hike.
On the last day, it’s time for the night hike. Each cabin walked as a group up a hill. At the top, you would then walk back down a trail on the other side of the hill, one person at a time, waiting about a minute after the previous person had gone. I happened to be after the two JNCO jeans kids. (Yes, the night hike was gay.)
When it’s my turn to walk down, I realize that this much-hyped coming of age moment is going to be…no big deal whatsoever. The trail is a very gradual slope with a few turns. It’s paved, for Pete’s sake. You could even see the lights from the cabins after the second turn. And the moon was bright enough that I wouldn’t even need my flashlight. This pivotal moment wasn’t going to be pivotal at all.
After less than a minute, I heard someone on the trail in front of me say, “H-hey, who’s there?” It’s one of the JNCO jeans kids. He’s just kind of standing there on the trail. He didn’t get very far.
“Um, it’s Tucker, from the cabin,” I said.
“Oh, cool,” he replied. “Um, I guess you’re walking faster than me.” He said that like I had caught up to him, which I guess is easy to do when the other person is frozen. “Want to walk down together?” His tone was way different from what it had been the rest of the week.
“Sure,” I said.
I don’t remember what we talked about. Probably what school we went to and that kind of thing. The whole walk only took about five minutes total, so it’s not like we talked about much. But I remember thinking to myself, “The guy that talked tough this whole week…it’s because he wasn’t.”
So yeah, The Night Hike. Ended up learning a thing.
I had two interactions with the same type of realization as a kid.
One of them was the tough and sort of school bully, who one day during the days of yule preparation at school went up to me and tried to probe me on how difficult making candles was because it was gonna be his turn soon.
The second one is more similar to yours. Summer camp thing. One guy I was in the same class as in school was playing tough during the camp. Did not interact a lot with him then, just noticed it, like he did not need a teddy or stuff like the other kids brought. Then we are back at school, after camp, he is not back. I hear from somewhere that he got severly home sick during camp, and had a hard time processing it. Later he did show up to school again, with his mom dropping him off. It was horrible. She tried to leave and he just cried and screamed. I think they tried it a few times more, but he just sat in a corner crying. A year or so later I see him back at school again, retaking that year.
I’ve always laughed at how people can buy cool. This was a great story to read though. I’m not sure how dark it was outside, but the first time I ever entered relative outdoor darkness it was off-putting for me. Maybe that’s what happened. But it also shows how powerful the imagination can be, when the brain bin shuts down and adrenaline takes the reins.
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This is huge, and congratulations. I was talking earlier with my partner about how addiction is a social disease. And how drinking seems like this coming of age event that’s intertwined with fun and sex. But there’s a lot of people who never can walk away from that space and it’s just killing people.
Also people don’t see how damaging it is as compared to other addictions. But I legit had a friend who had to move away and live out of a shelter because the drinking was killing them. And they’re working two jobs just to make the cut, but they’re so much happier and healthier now than they were when they were in active addiction.
I’m glad you got the help you needed and I hope it stays that way. You got this!
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I had a wife die from lung cancer over a ~nine month period. Cared for her etc as best I could. When they die, some part of you goes with them. I’m still alive, but not entirely. That was ten plus years ago now and I’ve remarried etc since, but I’ve taken some damage.
I understand the username now. That’s rough. Good luck to you in your future.
Thank you.
Yo, jesus christ. I missed this. Big apologies. I mean it’s not like…you know - my job to respond to people. But I love communicating with folks and I wanna send some kind of thank you for people who share. Cause it’s ballsy, you know? It’s a lot easier to not interact.
Either way, I think yours got lost in the sea of messages. But I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for your loss. I am glad that you found happiness(ish?) in the end. I haven’t seen it much in life, but I have met a couple of men who have lost their wives to something out of their control. The one who left the biggest impression on me was a man who lost his wife to diabetes. He said she weighed absolutely nothing in the end, and that he could just hold her in his arms as such. And he was sweet, in the sense that he was an open communicator. But there was definetely something broken in his spirit, and something that left him wandering. Like an endless restlessness. His eyes were sharp, his voice was clear - he advised me to take care of my health because it can go faster than you think. He was probably in his mid-40s then and I hope he’s found happiness since.
And like I said, hope you have too.
several years ago main road on my way to work was closed for a month. alternative routes was bad and worse, so i reluctantly ditched car and tried cycling instead because cycling route was okay, hoping i will somehow handle that one month.
quickly realized i’m rather enjoying cycling, month passed and i didn’t event thought about getting back in a car. i’m cycling ever since. commuting to and from work, cycling recreatively, doing 100km rides all around the area and the country, joined a club, enjoying every bit of cycling which makes me happy.
the road maintenance overall changed me, led me to find something that fullfills me, breaks down the stress, make me happy, change my mindset and made me be more active.
In some countries people are paid to not use a car and commute with bicycle instead. That allows you to get a really nice bicycle for free.
which countries are they? I guess somewhere in Europe?
In my country which is fairly progressing, (and I presume most South East Asia countries at least), the infrastructure are not conducive to riders or even pedestrians. Roads are build with no pavement for people to walk by, even in residential areas. The bicycle lane are pathetically small and narrowly designed that riders have to dangerously share the small strips of lane with other vehicles. People will use car even when going to shops that will only take 5 minutes walk.
They want to reduce the cost of constructions, I guess. But I wonder how much the country can save in the healhcare system by providing good infrastructure resulting in health-minded citizens that prefer to walk and ride.
That’s alien to me!
I’m pretty sure it was Southern Belgium, northern France or Luxumburg.
This is huge! I bet you it felt like 1m bucks! You’ve probably extended your lifetime by quite a bit, but you clearly are more fulfilled as a whole which is a big piece of the puzzle =)
Living through the AIDS epidemic. Watching our government in the US just ignore it like it wasn’t happening. Listening to all the misinformation because no one really knew what it was. Losing so many friends because people had no idea they had it and there was no help. And when the US government (fuck you reagan) finally did step up (only because Rock Hudson was a dear friend of his), did we actually get any help for people.
And then… in 2020 Covid happened, and another GOP idiot claimed nothing was wrong, even though the whole planet was shutting down. And it would just go away, “It’s going to disappear. One day, it’s like a miracle, it will disappear.” We need adults in government. Not these people trying to make wearing a mask, in 2024, illegal.
I learned that republicans would rather let you die before helping anyone. And we as citizens need to shove back really hard if we want to live in an amazing country that cares for it’s residents, not just the ones with money either.
Avian flu is here now and it’s been a slow trickle of information. They are giving flu shoys to dairy farmers so that’s a start.
Ah jeez, I missed this one. And I was just talking the other day how important it is that folks like you tell your story. I am not sure if you are an ally, a sister, a mister, or someone in between but hearing stories from the epidemic are just heart breaking. I was told nobody wanted to be around the sick, and that it was up to the community to bury their own. Because when it was found out about their lifestyle that they would be disowned by their families. A lovely man told me the worst week was three burials at once. And that everyone was terrified because nobody knew exactly what was going on, but that it was spreading like wildfire through out the community. But also when I thnk about the way we had to hide, and I mean HIDE at the time. Like there was almost nowhere to go to even get a chance to be yourself. Breaks my heart.
Also Republican politicians are swine. And some Republicans are fuck-scums. But I think there are a portion of them that are people who have been brain-drained by the politicians and are actually just scared and messed up. I talked with someone her about this the other day though. The idea of diversifying say…taxes. I am not sure how it will go, because the rich will just leave. In that sense, doesn’t the money go with them?
I am not sure what the proper solution is ultimately, but I do know the whole system is fucked.
I’m gunna go gay it up with my gal, gay it up so hard - just to put a little Pride into the air =)
My birth was a pretty big event that changed my life drastically. I wish it never happened…
Depression is a bitch. I hope you can find some reprieve in other pleasures than imagining not existing somewhere down the line. I have a friend who got shocks and is much happier since. If you have the resources, and many other things failed to help - you might want to look into ECT. But also, yet again - not a doctor. Just saying I saw it actually help someone who had a lot of trouble existing. But also, there are a thousand different constructive roads to take ahead of that point. GL!
Thanks for the info, I’ll keep this in mind. Also, I’m glad to hear your friend got better.
Yeah, no worries! I know it sounds freakin’ scary because it’s like they used to do it in nut houses and torture people with it. But it’s way different now than it used to be. They said it does cause memory issues. So I will warn that. But overall way happier, I think because it zaps out all the stuff that’s been holding you down. I mean - I’m no doctor and I am just reporting on what I heard. But I hadn’t ever even heard about it being used and when I looked into it I was surprised it is in fact a valid treatment for depression.
TMS may be lighter and an easier step to take first than ECT.
I’ll give you the incredibly brief version.
When I was seven my mom kidnapped me.
I managed to get a hold of my dad 6 years later, but nothing bad ever happened to her because of it.
Following that, my mom and stepdad essentially locked me in my room from the time I was 16 until I graduated high school about 2 months after I turned 17.
I was the valedictorian, a year ahead of my class. Kind of neat huh?
Only, my stepdad would occasionally come in and just attack me. I was punished for not doing enough school work by being forced out of my bed at 6:00 in the morning to go and dig up stumps in the backyard or to pick up a 40 to 120 lb Rock and carry it from one corner of the yard to the other corner of the yard where there was a pile of rocks, pick up a different rock out of that pile carry it to the third pile and then back and forth over and over and over until sundown.
Then I would come in, be fed, and then have to do more school work.
I lost all of my friends. I lost all of my self esteem. The day after I graduated, I left with my dad, who was not aware of this because my mom lied to him about it.
I was pretty wrecked and my dad didn’t know how to cope with that so he gave me a truck and sent me back after about 5 or 6 months, and not having anywhere else to go I moved back in with my mom.
Literally a month later my stepdad tried to pull some shit and told me if I didn’t go to work when they were leaving that I should pack up my stuff and not be there when they get back, so I packed up my stuff end of the truck my dad gave me and left.
I was homeless for about 2 years couch surfing with friends and trying to get my shit together and I was reaching out to God for help.
And on the first real date of my life I went out with this girl, we saw a movie, we got high we came back to my room at my friend’s house and had sex.
And it was not very good all the way around, but then after I took her home and dropped her off it was like the scales fell off of my eyes, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck me hard in the heart, and I became aware of all of the sins I had committed in my life. All of my failings. All the things that were wrong with me.
And I was so broken I couldn’t even cry, honestly I may have actually cried once or twice since then.
I was devastated.
And it’s like, all the things that I thought I would be when I grew up went away. I could deal with the shit my mom and my stepdad pulled and I could deal with not being understood because I had a destiny and I had a dream and I was going to make it, and then I found out I was just a piece of shit, a crappy worthless human being whom, if I had never been born, the world would be a better place.
And there’s a lot I’m leaving out but yeah, from that I started trying to rehabilitate myself. I’ve gone from being a worthless piece of shit to being useful fertilizer I guess.
I still have a long way to go and I don’t know if I’ll make it.
I am very sorry to hear that happened to you.
I was punished for not doing enough school work by being forced out of my bed at 6:00 in the morning to go and dig up stumps in the backyard or to pick up a 40 to 120 lb Rock and carry it from one corner of the yard to the other corner of the yard where there was a pile of rocks, pick up a different rock out of that pile carry it to the third pile and then back and forth over and over and over until sundown
Nazi concentration camp guards used to torture prisoners by doing this to them. Many of those subjected to this committed suicide by running into the electric fences or charging the armed guards.
I clearly remember there was one time when I had a pickaxe in my hand and I was digging up a tree stump for punishment over something and I asked my stepdad if I could get the pickaxe sharpened to make my job easier and he said no.
And then he turned and walked away and clear as a flash of lightning I knew in that one moment that all I had to do was use this inordinate amount of strength that I had and take that pickaxe and drive it through his skull and this current misery that I am in would end.
And I’m glad that I didn’t do it, but sometimes when I’m perseverating I think about that moment.
Have you done therapy about this?
You are worthy of love, of being loved, and with help you’ll make it.
That’s a lot to have been put through. But you’re still here so that counts, in really huge ways.
Start here: HAVOCA – Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse. ”Every Survivor has the right to become a Thriver.”
Isn’t it fucked up how much life can crush you when you have absolutely zero agency you can flex. Have you heard about Open Path yet? Cause you can give it a look and see if you vibe with anyone. You might be able to find someone that can assist you on your journey of healing. There’s also some kind of really solid freebie group therapy system online. But I absolutely do not have the name. Someone else might. It’s like a series of groups you can grow including domestic violence and complex ptsd. The only thing I want to say is be careful around substances, because it’s really easy to fall into them but you never fall out even if you step back from them. And the way street drugs are nowadays you’re never getting what you think you are. Also, I don’t know what gender or age you are specifically - but I do know that a lot of young hurt men can be at higher risk for self harm. So if you notice anything creeping into your system, try your best to reach out for help. Even if you don’t say it, just crowd your time with others and it’ll pass. Either way, what I did with the things I strongly disagreed with between my folks was I just attempted (and still do) to do the opposite of the thing I disliked. Step-parents can be real pieces of shit, because what skin do they have in the game? At least, if they don’t want to. You’re just free-labor. I watched my younger sibling become that to a certain someone in my life, and to this day I don’t know how a grown ass adult can be so stupid to lord over a kid like that.
Just try and stay strong, utilize any services you can - no shame. Break down big goals into smaller achievable actions. And if you are disabled in any sort of way, know there’s also services that can assist you through getting…assistance =P! Also no shame in temp agencies, if you have the means to get around. Lastly, all things can be replaced or live on in your head. But you cannot be replaced. So no matter what you lose, it’s all just stuff. I’ve lost so much crap over the span of my life. I don’t care anymore. I pack light, live light - and actually feel wealthier for it - because I can move at the drop of a dime if I want and I don’t feel bogged down by THINGS! Which is a blessing in these modern times. Sometimes I get sad about some of the things I’ve lost. But I made a conscious decision to keep a small assembly of things that are meaningful to me that I can slide into a backpack and don’t take up too much space. And you might want to put something together like that too. Because it’s really nice to go back and see decades of stuff from people I love who may or may not exist anymore or little magpie things from events.
Oh, one last thing. Backsliding hurts, but as long as you keep going you can make it through. But also make sure you do nice things to restore your energy cause it fucking sucks to get dragged for so long only to get dragged again. It makes you want to give up and sink. But it’s worth the fight, trust. And if you’re younger than thirty - things get so much better in your thirties. Idk? Because I sure as shit am not in that much a different space than in my twenties. But I for sure feel better as a whole. Even though my body is in a constant battle to crush me. Which, btw - please address your pain as best as you can because this shit will kill you one way or another and I don’t think I would ever be as sick as I was had I not been picking up stress without putting other bits down. So GL, GJ - You got this! Keep going!
*p.s. - Moms don’t get in trouble for kidnapping I don’t think. But also I heard that most amber alerts are due to a parent kidnapping their own kid most times. But all kidnapping situations are totally shit - and I wish they didn’t exist on the real.
I’m not who you were talking to, but thank you for this comment. You’re so very kind and it’s beautiful. You’ve helped me and I appreciate you so much. You totally rock! 💖
Zoop <3~!! I am just passing on the love given to me by many kind folk. Big love =)~
@bizarroland @cashmaggot Hey, I don’t know what this will mean to you coming from a complete stranger. You’ve clearly never had a mom, though, or a dad, so let me share with you what they never did.
You are not your past. You are not your things. You are not your circumstances. The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.
Those experiences don’t have to define you. No one else is allowed to tell you what your worth is or who you’ll be. The person you were yesterday is dead, and the person you are tomorrow doesn’t exist. There is only today, there is only ever today. So somewhere inside of you, I want you to think really hard about who that person is, who you are. If you don’t like what you see, that’s okay. I think we’ve all been there. What’s important is that you decide what matters to you, what your values are, what your worth is, who you’re going to be, and then you live it. It takes time and practice, but what doesn’t? Who was born knowing how to ride a bike, or swim, or count to a million, or anything else? Just work on it, every single day, and you’ll make it.
Big love, you love bug <3!!!
I ended up restoring my relationship with one of my parents, which has been nice because I’m a goober and I love a good phone call. And while I’ve put a buhjillion miles between my birthplace and my current spot - I do like talking with those I reconnected with. But also, my partner lacks a family. Which makes us substantially weaker as a whole against the support network of others. Which is rough, to be honest. But she always says we’re like monkeys helping one another up the tree. And to be perfectly honest I love her to death, even if she drives me batty-bonkers.
I agree with you though. Although I will say I am a heavy reminiscer, and have battled this mental math of existence only being this moment (be here now). But I sometimes think of it as a super power, because I can recall things that most forget and can give play by plays. And while I know memories can be faulty, I like that there’s some part of my brain that likes to record things. Because it makes for great fodder for better or worse with creative endeavors =P!
Big hugs, big love! Keep sharing the good stuff and keeping people afloat!
I imagine you are hard on yourself all the time. The people who should’ve been there for you unconditionally taught you that you’re never good enough.
I’m convinced we are all fundamentally equal because of our soul, so trying to prove yourself is sort of a silly excercise.
What you mentioned about scales falling off reminded me of mindfulness. You wake up and you go like wtf am I doing?
When I was in my 20’s, I always gave 200% at the jobs I worked at. I was young and naive and believed I would eventually be rewarded for all the hard work I put in, even on weekends and night shifts.
Then I got burnout, because I was working at a pace my body just couldn’t sustain anymore.
It changed my life drastically. I learned to value my health and free time and to prioritize that over the needs of my employer. I learned that hard work doesn’t neccessarily bring you any benefits, it mostly benefits your employer. I also learned that nobody cares when your health is fucked up - for your employer, you’re just a cog in the machine that can be replaced.
Nowadays I only work four days a week and I don’t give a shit about what happens on Fridays anymore. Server is down? Not my problem, get someone else to fix it.
I also learned to stand up for myself. I’m not getting paid like a monkey anymore and if you promise me a raise and then pretend like that never happened afterwards, you’ll have my resignation on your desk, printed out by the company printer right in front of you.
A masterclass in being human =)
if you promise me a raise and then pretend like that never happened afterwards, you’ll have my resignation on your desk
If only it was that easy for some of us to leave… That’s awesome for you to be in such a position of sway!
Leaving aside the low hanging fruit that is my gender surgeries, the real answer is probably the covid pandemic.
I’ve been pretty resilient most of my life, but I kinda fell apart when covid took away all of my social connections and coping mechanisms. It was the lowest I’ve ever been.
Big sads, do you feel like you gained your network back? Or is it still limping since pre-Covid days? Also, if you believe in these concepts and feel like sharing - do you consider yourself more of an introvert or an extrovert?
Also as a whole, have you found that your social network differs wildly from cis individuals? By that I mean, when I came out I lost a significant chunk of my own. And in living most of what I have now is either reclaimed (reunited in time) or self-gathered (found-family).
Big love, soul sister!
I’m a raging extrovert, and aside from workmates, I don’t think I have any cishet people in my regular circles.
I’ve got social circles again now, post covid, but they’re not the same as they were before covid. The local queer community used to have lots of events, and that used to be my connection to queer folks closer to my age, but a lot of that has dried up and then restarted, but now with a younger focus. And whilst I’m happy to be the elder queer who transitioned ages ago, it’s not so great for connecting with folk of my own generation.
But I still have lots of friends from then.
I used to play roller derby, and that’s gone from my life now (too old to start again), but I still love my running, and I’m a parkrun regular, which brings me around lots of people every week.
Work also gives me a lot of my extrovert social outlet needs :)
Haha! I realized I forgot to see if you had responded or not. Sneaking back. Sneakily. I’m glad you got the lot back, even if the faces have changed. Queers of all ages need assistance, flowing up and down - because it’s not like we work with a solid roadmap. We’re just like…really, really good improvisers =P!
Yoooo, to hard - you go so damn hard! Hahaha! You’re a roller-derbier? My rail thin ex would play, she got into it after that one movie with Elliot Page. Even though we’re worlds apart it’s comforting to know she’s out there kicking people’s asses (and could kick mine, if she needed). You guys are pretty much the coolest, hardest women alive. So kudos. Also on the park running. My partner just keeps moving us to more and more rural spaces. I think it’s driving me batty, but I love her like business. NGL though, I keep nudging her back towards the cities. Cause mama need that social cheese! But I am thankful I’ve got a handful of love bugs that I hope to carry with me for the rest of my time on this planet that keep me a float with all their loving.
It’s funny though, between you me (and the world I guess…hi!) I would have hands-down classified myself as an extrovert. A ravenous one as well. But to be honest, I spent the first x-odd years of my life not saying a thing. Then when I came out, people said I’d never get gals if I didn’t open my mouth. And so I freakin’ sang. I’m still a total cheese, but things have changed as I’ve gotten older. I’ve been thinking about classifying myself as a social introvert instead. But also, and this is the part that still kinda smarts, I’ve been battling a shitty-kake of thing that has really affected my energy levels. Like, you wake up and you never know what level your pain is going to be at or if your body is going to co-operate or not. And it’s really affected the way I interact with others on the whole, because it takes so much more effort to reach that base “me.” But before? I was a tour-de-force. Which kinda is what makes things stink. But I also have been practicing some big-time radical acceptance and haven’t been peeling off my face for stuff that’s outta my control you know? Like, it is what it is. And that helps with a lot of things.
But also, I guess on the cheekier side of things (muwhaha) I get some smiles over the fact that I got to live my big queerventure and have gotten to love so many fantastic people and hear their stories and share moments with them. And like, a lot of people don’t even get a taste of that. So I am really thankful for that, and in that sense it really puts a smile on my face no matter what happens in the end. I mean, also I’ve got a gal who loves me, and is sticking with me through all this crunchy shit. So that’s cool too =)!
p.s. - Big love soul sister <3~!
It takes a few years to really reinvent yourself after a major social inversion. I did okay after ~5 years even with near total isolation. Daily exercise is absolutely vital for the endorphin balance.
That was part of my trouble. I love running, and I got pneumonia (but not covid) right at the beginning of the pandemic, and it took me about a year to recover from that. On top of that, I would regularly run parkrun, and play roller derby, but they both got shut down too.
All coping mechanisms that I lost access to…
It’s all back now, and even though fitness wise, I’m not back where I was, I’m getting closer every day
When I was a teen, the girl that I loved with all my heart told me that my behaviours were (emotionally and psychologically) hurting her. I shouldn’t have needed to be told, but I’m thankful that I was. Lots of therapy and introspection to get myself away from being that kind of person, and onto a better path. I learned to take responsibility and accountability for my actions, and to bring open and honest communication to the forefront of any relationship, romantic or otherwise.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for the harm I caused her, or if I should. All I can do is ensure that I am never again that version of myself.
Hey, on the plus side - you heard an honest complaint and did your best to fix up what you agreed with. That’s more than most. But also, time heals (most) wounds, and in that sense I hope that things have patched up on her end. It was probably something both of you got to learn from, and it’s big you did. Especially the power of communication - which absolutely should sit hellllaaaaaaaaa front seat. GJ! You dun-did good =)
Thanks, maggot!
I spontaneously decided to get an unusual body mod in 2017. Seven years later, absolutely zero regrets. It’s one of the things that eventually pushed me into becoming a sideshow performer and I’ve met so many wonderful people and am surrounded by a community of weirdos and freaks that I call family.
Which body mod?
Split tongue
Hahaha! Knew it was split-tongue before you said it. I said, this witchy human either went with horns or split tongue but one of these things are bumps, and the other is a split-freakin’ tongue! What method did you go through to get it? My ex, who was a tattoo artist split hers a hundred years before with a spool of thread. And when it started to heal a hundred years later I was given my own front-row seat to an Ichi the Killer moment. Which wasn’t all that fun, but definitely sits in my head as one of the more fucked up things I’ve ever witness first-hand. But yeah, she could move things independently and that always freaked people out. But I am such a weirdo, it just idk. I just literally didn’t give a shit for or against. It was just her, and that’s just how things were. People always wanna make pussy jokes (or head jokes, whatever) but like I literally could not give a shit either way -because that’s her body and her choice and you know more power to her doing whatever she wants with her body.
I am glad you found yourself though. I think most performers of your nature gain a true freedom that most dream of. At least every fire twirler I’ve ever met are quite happy, open, and insanely supportive individuals so big ups and big love <3~!
I went with cut and suture and am very happy with my results. No nerve damage, barely any blood, healing sucked but that’s expected. The cut isn’t the deepest but I still have enough dexterity to do my signature trick
And yes, you’re absolutely correct that the first thing anyone asks me about is sex. But that’s nowhere near my top reasons for it, I have virtually no libido.
You chose the safe method. And got to practice Buddhism all at once =P! My gal’s healed up after a while, as I said, I wonder if you’ll have to redo it down the road. No harm, no foul though - I mean you do what you go to do to stay happy. I got a septum (among others, but a lot had to be taken out over time) and it’s pretty much a 24/7 fidget spinner for me. I can’t even imagine the joy of having a built in one would be. But that’s my head, hahaha!
You look like you’re living your best life though. I swear to god, when you play with fire you’re just an overall happier person =P! But also these scenes typically have a certain vibe of love an compassion. One of my performer friends passed unfortunately a couple of years back. And they held a fire-ceremony for him. Was beautiful, but it really speaks levels on how loving these spaces are.
Also, I swear to god if you’re unconventional in any way - all roads lead to sex. Tig Notaro did a joke about it a hundred years ago and as someone with no filter I always pray I don’t crunch up anyone’s toes too badly. But thankfully, I also try not to be an asshole in my day to day >.>!!! GJ sis!
I try to exercise it but do want to resplit some of the scar tissue in the future. Not in any rush though since healing does majorly suck. Septum piercings rock, I love mine
It is truly sad when a sideshow performer passes. So many of us are estranged from our parents (usually because we’re queer and have problematic parents) that we turn to rely on each other like family. I guess you have to have that innate level of love and trust when everything you do is so dangerous. I thank my safety after every single act, even though he’s seen me do it a million times.
I think the thing that really broke me about him is that he was estranged from his family but he had this beautiful light. He was a lovely man, and he spread love where ever he went. I just don’t think he was created for traditional living. He found someone he was setting up roots with though, and while I can’t say for sure what the future held it sounded like he was working towards some stability. He was actually killed by a professional fuck face, who continued to be a fuck-face until he was put behind bars. The very essence of a person who does not enjoy living, and recklessly was taking down others with their apathy.
Aww man, at one point I had 21 holes in my head, if you catch my drift hahaha! I had to get some removed and had to take out the others after I got sick. Cause of the diagnostic machines and what not. But also, I personally get so tired of having to pop them in and out and in and out. My gal cut out a quarter of them, which was something else. Nothing says I love you like someone scalpelling your face. Now I am down to four, and really only care about the septum. Eh. One thing I can say about it is them muffergers over on Reddit hate them shiz @_@!!! But like, really it’s one of the more enjoyable (actually enjoyable) piercings because it’s endlessly fun to play with.
I once had a big brave fully tatted up boy tell me performances are always terror inducing going in because your nerves are pretty much out of your control and the only thing that can help you is practice and a good solid yawn prior to stepping out. I’m glad you’ve got a goodun’ looking out for you though. And that you seem to have a solid head about the whole thing.
Big love and super big hugs sis! Yo~!
I went to my home town from across the country when my grandmother died, I was sleeping on the couch and my mom woke up early and was reading the newspaper close by and saw I wasn’t breathing much.
She said I should go to the doctor, a month later I had a CPAP and had my first restful sleep of my entire life, somehow I survived having a brain that doesn’t tell my lungs to breathe all the time while asleep.
I was practically a new person, it took some years for my brain to bounce back with regards to memory and clear thinking but I’m as normal as can be now.
I can’t get my partner, who has a congenital condition, to get on one. She’s fit af, but she still has issues with the idea. Any sneak-pete knowledge you’ve got that I could pass on like found-knowledge that might persuade her? I guess ultimately - it’s her choice (which kills me but it is what it is). But she really does stop actually breathing as she sleeps. And it freakin’ sucks.
Negative experience: got half my face ripped off by a dog as a kid. I’m scared of almost all dogs now and I panic around heelers.
Positive experience: going to college. I’m considerably successful because I decided to go on a whim lol.
Hope you’re doing okay and face is healed up as much as you want it to be. Tbh, dogs freak me out too. Which is a shame, because I dig them in theory. But in actuality, I am not really here for two of the major pets of this world. Which is a shit situation to be in, and I can’t even imagine how shit it must be now that everyone’s out here taking their dogs around everywhere. I hope you’ve got some solid help =/!
Get that college money =)! It’s big. You know, idk if you’re family promoted it or anything but it really does seem to be the secret to stability. I mean, you might not be a Rockefeller. But it really does help expand your chances for a better life.
Thank you for the encouragement.
One of the best child plastic surgeons happened to be in town when I got attacked and he took my case. Can’t even tell anything happened. He did a GREAT job.
As for college and making money, I’m not family oriented per se (I don’t want kids and I’m single ATM), but I have pets (2 dogs, 2 cats, and 11 ducks) and I want to buy a horse eventually at the stables I volunteer at. The horse is a few years off because boarding is expensive, but it’s an obtainable goal lol. Just gotta get promoted, which I am working towards with the guidance of my boss and the owner/president of the company.
Yooo! You’re treating your dog thing by HAVING DOGS! Hahahaha, I love it! I wish I could get behind either. Dogs kinda freak me out, because I have sensory issues with drool and I hate sudden noises. And cats, I’m just unfortunately allergic. But never really dug them, because one scratched up my face as a little ninja. Ducks though, that’s something different. My friend from Ohio is the only other person I know who’s had them. Two to be exact. But that’s really something different.
Sounds like you’ve got land, which is a nice thing to have. And time, which is also good stuff. I don’t know too much about horses, but my partner says there’s a primal connection between horses and humans. Says there’s nothing like riding a horse on this planet. Gotta be wonderful. Sounds like you’re in a good space. Perhaps consider finding a mentee, so that you can share going both ways. There’s a lot of wonderful individuals inside of organizations who might have the fixins for greater but get stuck because they can’t seem to get a leg up. If you can think of anyone in that boat, consider reaching out and forming a relationship. This is going to sound absolutely awful, but I think being a mentor looks quite good as well. Because it requires a series of characteristics which are desirable in the world of business. But it also is a solid act, because you get to repay the favor that someone might have lent to you. Either way, I hope you enjoy your horse when you get them a couple of years down the road =)!
Your partner is totally right about horses. I had a mare growing up that knew my my depression was getting bad and did her best to cheer me up. There’s a horse I love at the stables I volunteer at who is similar. She knows when I’m down or frustrated or whatever and demands attention lol. Hopefully she stays that way once she has her foal and doesn’t become a hella protective mama lol
Is she who you plan on purchasing down the line? I’m not sure entirely how it works. Yeah, my gal loves horses. Loves skateboarding more. Maybe someday I’ll get on one? Maybe not. Either way, it’s cool. I think I might have missed my chance a hundred years ago and not even thought about it cause I knew someone who went to school for it. Instead I just hung with the horse folk, and we drank some of the most heinous alcohol known to man. Was chill though.
I would love to buy her tbh, but idek who actually owns her lol. Most of the horses I interact with don’t get the attention they deserve from their actual owners. Seems like most owners there don’t actually come around too often. It’s a full service stables, so you pay a monthly bill to have your horse fed, watered, and their stall mucked. You just have to worry about the mandatory vet visits and hiring a carrier for their hooves.
The horse people I grew up around also had the most heinous alcohol as well lmao.
I stuck my dick in crazy.
Life pro tip: don’t stick your dick in crazy. Just avoid crazy altogether.
In my defense, I was 20, she was the first person I ever had sex with, and I was too horribly depressed to recognize what a bad idea it was.
I also stuck my dick in crazy. Terrible idea. The main problem was that I was too dumb/dense to see the red flags, one of them being my mom, of all people, not liking her.
It was good sex, I was her first, but I didn’t want to make it anything other than some no-commitment flings. Once I started a proper relationship with another woman later, crazy stalked my gf online, full of threats. Crazy ended up in a psychiatric ward about a month later and her mother called me, asking me to “please go visit her, she loves you from the bottom of her heart”.
Against my better judgement, I actually went. The place looked like an insane asylum that should’ve been force-closed decades ago. Horrible smell, filthy, the inmates (dunno if that’s the correct term, but feels appropriate) pretty much relied on relatives for any hygiene. Crazy hugged me, but I was just so appalled with the place I didn’t even know how to react. She got out about a week later and her mom was still trying to play cupid, saying she was much better now and wouldn’t skip her meds anymore, but I told her I was happy with my girlfriend and blocked her.
I once went absolutely flat broke fucking down on someone, but the ass was soooooo GOODDDDksfha;lksfhafklhasf!! But also you know, not worth it. But still kinda a “damn” thought in my head. Hahahaha! But really, you get SO DUMB when you’re thinking with your downstairs bits over your upstairs bits. Or like, in conjunction =P! Hormones~~~~
You know what? We’re so dumb when we’re er…young, dumb and full of cum =P! No, but really - we’re SO FUCKING DUMB! My gal comes in the other day and she’s singing a song about how she loves pussy. And it made me think about this one black lady who was on the tv saying dick will make you slap somebody. But it’s true though. Like - that thing that you love can make you so damn stupid and weak and do crazy shit and go against your boundaries even if you think you’ve got them set in concrete. I swear to god I grew the fuck up when I realized that I don’t need to be leaning in to that part of me anymore. And instead can just like - be a person who wants to spend time with another person. However that is. Like it’s just so much more chill. But also, and this is just my thoughts on the matter - some of my most beloved folks are bipolar. And I just found out another one of my lovies has BPD. And I love the whole lot of them flaws and all. And I also have some lovies who have had addiction issues. And I myself am a smattering of whatever this energy is that you see before you (medicated yet absolutely insane ADHD!?) - which is to say that I think there’s a lotta stigma against dating folks with mental disorders but that you know - they’re human and most definitely loveable. And while I do think there’s a level of chaotic energy that is just not healthy to be around. The kind that acts like life is a movie, and there’s a camera that’s always hidden right “off screen” so they always are bringing this dramatic energy. But there are also as I said before a lot of people who have been pushed aside by life by so many and are just little love bugs out here trying to be the best them they can be. And I have a lot of love and respect for that. But also know about women who’ve used babies they’ve had young with men as weapons. So you know, I hear you. Glad you learned what not to stick your dick in =P! Hope you got that good pussy now (iffin that’s what you’re still sticking stuff into).
Oh - and super not depressed or having a way to manage that depression. There’s a scene in Beasts of the Southern Wild here the main character and her father are shouting at each other “WHO’S THE MAN!?” “I’M THE MAN!” And I do that internally whenever I get down. Because it pumps me up, but it’s also so tender it gives me a heart boost too =)! Was trying to share the clip but all I found was this three second waste of space.
