L/nerd

the people who know you are not going to start addressing you differently unless you come out to them and they’re respectful.

while i won’t argue people don’t care at all for looks, i’ve seen some people who would be conventionally considered very ugly establish long lasting loves because they are genuinely wonderful to be around. it also helps to try to be around other folks like you. i had a terrible time dating until i did so in trans circles. i am now in a polycule every partner i have is trans and we’re all fucking weird and most of us are at least a bit gross. you don’t even have to entirely cure your depression or complete your transition to find the people are out there, you just have to find some people with things in common. and to be blunt, you calling yourself genetically cursed is akin to much of what incels say. you gotta get out of that headspace. it’s not good for you.

voice training, posture, general attire, makeup etc also all contribute. my mother has consistently been misgendered throughout her life as a cis woman because she doesn’t wear makeup, has a particular posture from working out/physical labor, and wears like jeans and masc-cut t-shirts. all of these things can be changed and posture nor voice training require you have money if you already have internet access.

HRT doesn’t fix people, they just often have the motivation to work on themselves after being on HRT. Not everyone gets that motivation just from HRT, though. It took realizing who in my life I’d be sending down the same road for me to end up committing myself to an inpatient mental clinic rather than ending my own life. This was also after two years of HRT - it very much did not fix me, but in retrospect it definitely contributed. That being said, it was only one piece of the puzzle. Your betterment may look different, but ultimately it will have to start with how you perceive yourself - not just in terms of how “womanlike” you may be, but also in regards to your own personal narrative, how you appraise your own value as an individual. Best of luck.

“Nice girl hair!”

Hey, you look great in this photo, but a real quick tip about mirror photos like these - it genuinely helps a lot to look into the camera in the mirror rather than to look at the phone to make sure the picture looks good while taking it, or at least to look elsewhere in the mirror. It gives a much better impression of your typical expression, unless your typical expression is in fact looking down with your eyelids mostly closed - but I say this from the perspective of someone who’s eyes are usually drawn forward.

If your E levels aren’t right, have you considered a different method of application? Like if you take pills, trying injections or patches instead might help.

Oh absolutely - it’s specifically most effective to start hormone replacement therapy when one would be going through puberty anyways, and most would agree that the less time spent with the wrong hormones, the better.

In reference to what you said about wait times, generally wanting to dress a certain way or play pretend as a certain character isn’t all that goes into feeling trans. Usually, it is on some level knowing that you would be happier as a certain gender or with that gender’s features. It’s like other forms of body modification, like ear piercings. People don’t get their ears pierced because they want to wear dresses, they get their ears pierced because they want ear piercings - though the two are often seen together. Similarly, someone won’t just get go on testosterone or estradiol because they want to wear suits or dresses - they will go on the hormone of their choice because they feel like they would be happier with that hormone.

I literally go to college with a cis woman who looks like you. To say the least, she is well-loved. Don’t beat yourself up over your looks.

Please stop being so hard on yourself. Selfies can make you look better or worse - that’s just how camera angles, camera settings, and environmental lighting are. Literally everyone has conditions that make them look worse in a camera. Realistically, the graduation photo is absolutely not how most people see you - every ID of mine taken in similar conditions looks like total shit to me. And before you say mirrors make you look awful too, that’s also a known phenonemon - I can personally attest to the hell that mirrors give me most days. You need to understand that the world around you does not see you as horribly as you see yourself. I’m not going to argue with you whether you should stay on HRT - that’s a dexision on feelings I can’t know - but I do know that at the very least, if you want to feel better when looking at your own pictures, it has to start with you conditioning yourself to hate yourself less. When you feel like calling yourself ugly, criticize that thought. Pick apart your own biases, and find a way of not just looking better, but looking at yourself better. It will be immensely difficult, but it will be oh-so worth it. Otherwise, no matter how close you get to your goals, you will never look aesthetically pleasinng to yourself while your self-loathing still blinds you.

And please, get therapy. You look relatively young, and so if you are (usually like under the age of 21 is good enough for this depending on where you live), you might be able to get therapy for reduced or no cost. Assuming that’s a high school and not college graduation photo and that you are either going to or will be going to college, you can also usually seek therapy through the college (again, typically for a greatly reduced cost), though that tends to be a bit more varied in how well-versed they are in issues like this in particular. Furthermore, chances are, there may be a queer community center anywhere from half an hour to two hours away from you - if they’re in the same state as you (assuming you’re in the United States), it should be fine, as they also happen to have online therapy, and community centers tend to have more cost-accessible therapy. Online therapy is typically better than no therapy, so please do not discount that as an option if it would be more accessible in some way to you.