Two weeks ago, I had a date with a girl I met through a dating app. She was really nice, we had a great conversation and she told in person at the bar she would love to see me again.
Well fast forward a week, I keep texting her to set something up, but she’s not responding. I think she’s ghosted me. I mean, that’s fine, but if you don’t want to date me anymore, then just let me know. I will respect your decision.
Dating is so frustrating sometimes… It’s really fucking hard and I sometimes feel lonely because of my lack of success. I have a good job and I’m a nice guy… but eh… I digress.
I wouldn’t call it hard per se. I would call most current dating practices a waste of time. It’s a lot like playing the lottery, but instead of money, I pay with my time. And even statistically speaking, the odds are quite bad, for both sides. When you have so many choices every choice seems less worth it. When you have too few choices, competition is fierce. I envy neither men nor women in today’s scene, and I’d expect it to be much more difficult for the LGBT+ community.
I would say two things to you, not necessarily connected.
One, we think the grass is always greener on the other side. When I look back at my partnered life compared to my single life now, I would say my life now is better. After spending time with myself I was finally able to solve loads of internal issues. Relationships can become a very comfortable state and I definitely let myself go too often. I haven’t forgotten that loneliness also occurred while I wasn’t single.
Two, you can make no mistakes and still lose. As Picard said it best, that’s just life. If life isn’t working now, I wouldn’t expect a partner to fix it. After the honeymoon phase, we tend to fall back to our old selves. Use this time to get that self in order and perhaps while you do it you find yourself happier regardless of the outcome of life.
Idk. It’s par for the course. I spent some three years on dating apps before meeting my SO. A lot of ghosting. I think a big part of it is don’t expect people to be mindful of your feelings. And if they aren’t, just move on. Don’t take it personally. Just the moment you get a feeling that they are not into it, move on.
I went on maybe 45-50 first dates. And honestly, it was a great experience. Very few second dates, even fewer third or fourth. One long-distance fling that turned into a great friendship and then my SO.
The reason I’m saying it was great is because early on I decided that I’m gonna make it fun for myself. So I’d pick activities I wanted to do, I’d pick hikes I wanted to go on or ponds/beaches I wanted to check out, food I wanted to try, places/towns I wanted to visit… in essence, I made sure that even if the date went nowhere, I’d still get something awesome out of it. And I worked on myself, I pursued interests and hobbies and passions and it was the best time really.
Think of cool things to do too. Not just dinners and drinks. There is soooo much you can do with someone to put them in a situation where you can both have fun, relax, and get to know each other. I personally found those outdoor adventure dates a lot more exciting than just dinners.
And I tried to not get hung up on the people - sometimes it was hard to do that, I admit. A looot of ghosting. If you’re gonna date online, just accept that it will happen a bunch. That only means these are not the people you’re looking for. I know it’s hard when you feel like you only need this one person, and you want people to let you know, and you feel like it’s not fair, but honestly… you’re only responsible for your own actions. That means don’t ghost others (I never did) and move on when someone is giving you the cold shoulder. They should be just as excited to be in touch and if that’s not the case, just cut them and move on.
Best of luck, don’t despair, date and have fun with it. Invest time in yourself in the meantime: hobbies, friends, passions, new things, adventures… it’s summer, soak it up!
Wow, this is a very mature and refreshing perspective. Thank you for sharing!
Tinder ruined dating. It’s made interactions very transactional.
imo dating is always transactional even before tinder, tinder just make it happen more often, also tinder only attract spesific kind of people so I cant really blame tinder for this
It happened sometimes, but it was easier to filter those people out. Now those people have become the norm. Tinder absolutely is to blame for this.
I met my wife dating online. Before that it was brutal. Lots of ignored messages. Lots of messaging that just ended (often on the woman’s end, but sometimes on my end). And plenty of first dates.
When I first started dating I wasn’t picky. Basically any girl interested in me, I’d show interest. Eventually I actually applied myself to dating with purpose. This helped a bit as I was often times being the one to make the decision whether or not to even meet up with a woman. I made sure they met my criteria and wanted the same things as I did. And doing this required that I was honest with myself. I didn’t want to party, I wanted children, I wanted someone who would challenge me and call me out on my bullshit, but I also needed someone who wasn’t overly sensitive as I am often quite blunt and speak without thinking.
Basically I had to shift from wasting my time with anyone to getting right to the point and making sure our values and trajectories in life aligned. This filtered out a lot of women. Either immediately because we didn’t want the same things or because they were put off by my directness.
Do you guys with successful dating experience think it was worth it? I got ghosted only once and it took me quite some time in tinder even to get to that point but after that i gave up on people and i am more focusing on work and my hobby and i think i am quite happy i have much less suicide tougths than in my dating phase.
Same here. Dating apps are pure poison for my mental well being. It made me realise I need professional help with my depression. But guess what my therapist wants me to do now. Use dating apps again, lol.
Will you try it again? If yes in a different app? On some post on lemmy i heard about open source dating app probably not very popular but this could be better since the target of the app is not get money from you but make you happy to donate them and also it would be very cool to find someone else who likes nerdy open source software because most people who i know are quite the oposite.
For me dating got real easy when I took sex, and romance out of it.
I have definitely told guys at the end of a date that I “want to see them again” while having no intention of seeing them again. It’s a safety thing. IME guys can Jekyll and Hyde pretty hard when being rejected.
I know it can hurt feelings, but when it comes down to it, my safety > your feelings
I would never recommend putting yourself at risk, but ghosting the person after lying that you’d like to see them again is just a dick move.
Thats mean of you
After being threatened, stalked, followed and sexually assaulted by men I’ve rejected in person, I’m totally okay with being mean if it lets me avoid all that.
What a shitty take. You can tell the guy afterwards via messaging. Not hard…
I (man) had similar experience as op and i tougth that people on dating apps are really rude for some reason that it is a apps community thing or something this scenario never occure to me as a option. Is really meeting some foreigner as a girl so scary and/or dangerous?
Yes it is scary and dangerous. Additionally, some completely flip or “just” start insulting you when you say you don’t want to see them again. I am happier single than trying to go on dates and I bet that’s one of the reasons only 20 % or so of the users on dating apps are women.
I’d get saying it if they ask but might not need to be said if they don’t ask for a second date on the spot.
What a weak excuse for your shitty behaviour. You can just not tell them in person, but afterwards online.
30F I’ve given up on the apps
do you think dating is hard sometimes?
No.
I think it’s hard all the time. But I am aromantic, pansexual, have ADHD and may also be on the spectrum. I have a hard time in general when it comes to dealing with other human beings, and an even harder time in more intimate relationships.
Hey OP, I hear your frustration. Sometimes, she will simply not be into you like that, and that’s okay. But there are concepts that can significantly improve your dating life if you learn them.
The most important thing is to intentionally be romantic. You have to flirt. The way you describe this interaction doesn’t sound very flirty. She was nice and you had a good conversation? That’s great, but she could probably get a similar experience from a friend.
Flirting is about making things exciting. Taking a risk and making your intentions known is often attractive. Think playful banter. Having a low stakes, interview-style conversation is just boring for most women.
Practical ways to be more flirty:
- choose a venue where you can sit side by side
- maintain great eye contact when she’s talking
- don’t rush to fill every silence, let it breathe
- use statements more, rather than just questions
- respectful and appropriate use of touch
- playfully challenge or disagree with her at times
- humor is great, but don’t constantly joke around
Basically, being a nice guy with a good job is great, and actually a prerequisite for many women to date you. But it’s not inherently sexy. You gotta learn how to embrace your romantic side to show them you’re capable of that, too.
OP is doing something right if they’re making it all the way to a date. I’m usually pretty great in person, don’t often have issues getting second dates if I want them, but holy shit the early stages on apps are infuriating. Most men aren’t signing up to dating sites to try out our comedy routines and throw out pickup lines for fun, but it seems like that’s what it takes to get a reply.
Women often don’t feel the need to fill out anything in their profiles since they know they can skate by on a couple of cute photos, a platitude, and/or a list of things they don’t want. I need to ask questions to make sure I’m not wasting my time. How do I have a fun conversation if I have no idea what they like? Asking and answering questions might be “boring” but I also feel like it’s important to figure out if we’re just wasting time. If you jump to the date without much talking, you might have a lot of those left over.
Hey, it’s not your fault.
If you are a guy, and you don’t look like Brad Pitt, online dating is depressing. If you happen to look like Brad Pitt, it can still be pretty hard.
That’s just how it is structured. People approach online dating looking for short term distractions. Try setting up a profile saying something like ‘I am looking for someone who is willing to put in the hardwork through all the arguments and the compromises and adjustments we will need to make a marriage work’ and see how much success you have.
You could be doing everything right and you still will end up getting matched with a lot of people who might not be as serious as you might be about it. That’s just how online dating works.
