I’ve 🐝 bee-n fighting for two years now. I have this « job » that I’ve been stuck with forever now. My inability to enjoy the little things of life is just another indication of my dereliction: hating the bitter man I’m becoming, seeing myself in people I despise, being unable to think, speak, create.
There’s no future for me here. No way out from my work. No time to dedicate to what I love. I read the introduction of Camus’ « L’homme Révolté » about absurdism in other to be something else than a consuming shitty human, and I don’t agree with most of the moral dilemmas: killing yourself is not the same as killing another person. I’m making a choice for myself and maybe, one of the limits of this argument is that I’m imposing my absence on others…
But who might miss me? My family & friends? It’s true, there are the ones that made me stay this long, but nothing is changing, and I need to help myself.
ಥ_ಥ, maybe see you tomorrow ?
I’m in the french high school system which are very long working days (which is normal) on uninteresting things with teachers that hate teaching, and classmates with endearing stories but questionable sex lives of which they talk way too much.
In all this shallowness, I have no energy when I get back at home, after doing my shitty math homework, to even boot up my laptop to work on my coding project.
It’s constantly fighting your mind that tells you that there’s more to life, that you should not waste your time with such a poor experience.
But you don’t have self-determination, you just have the responsibilities of going there, putting down a smile, and get fingered for good grades to go to a shitty engineering school teaching Java from 2008 and then work at a shit ass computing job where you’re the genius computer guy installing Adobe Reader on everyone’s PC.
I really struggled with this when I was in high school, I was so burnt out. I became quite socially isolated because there was no-one there who I could really relate to, and all my friendships felt superficial and not worth the energy they cost.
For me, it got a lot better when I left school - at university, I met so many more like-minded people and that helped massively. I also was quite lucky to genuinely enjoy my degree subject, but I’ve also seen people who aren’t keen on their degree in practice, but they too find solace in their community. I lived in a shitty, backwater town so it feels like my life didn’t really start until I got out of there.
In terms of how I coped during that shitty time - I didn’t. Like I say, I ended up withdrawing even more, and eventually I got so burnt out on the school structure itself that I started skipping lessons; I got in trouble for it, but I was too depressed to care. My grades were still decent, because self teaching was more efficient. This isn’t advice, because I don’t think this was a good thing to do, it’s intended as solidarity, because school really is shit — as an adult, I’ve found that the best way to cope with depression and suicidality is to claw back as many fleeting moments of agency from the world as possible. School is so incredibly disempowering though.
There are a lot alternatives out there to the way of life you are describing. It seems like that’s the only way since that’s how people around you live. But if you look a bit outside of your circle - you will find people living other lives. They also have their own problems - but what you see ahead of you, is not the only way.
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I’m doing a special version of my baccalauréat where I do both the French exam, and the A Levels