I’ve 🐝 bee-n fighting for two years now. I have this « job » that I’ve been stuck with forever now. My inability to enjoy the little things of life is just another indication of my dereliction: hating the bitter man I’m becoming, seeing myself in people I despise, being unable to think, speak, create.
There’s no future for me here. No way out from my work. No time to dedicate to what I love. I read the introduction of Camus’ « L’homme Révolté » about absurdism in other to be something else than a consuming shitty human, and I don’t agree with most of the moral dilemmas: killing yourself is not the same as killing another person. I’m making a choice for myself and maybe, one of the limits of this argument is that I’m imposing my absence on others…
But who might miss me? My family & friends? It’s true, there are the ones that made me stay this long, but nothing is changing, and I need to help myself.
ಥ_ಥ, maybe see you tomorrow ?
That one question “If you woke up tomorrow with 100 million dollars, what would you do to improve your life right now?” Is very powerful. My first response was “Pay off all my debt”.
The second most powerful question is: “What else?”
What else would you do after your debts are paid? What else would make you happy once you don’t HAVE to work? What else would you do now you are debt free and have the time you need to enjoy life? What else fulfills you?
By the time I hit the 3rd/4th “What else?” I realised what I was actually needing. In my specific case it was a creative outlet that I had been neglecting for years. I would remind myself daily about that one goal and, thought it took me 3 weeks, I eventually managed to pull out my guitar and start playing again.
2 years later and I’m sucking at guitar daily and going for runs. I have remade connections with people I thought were lost and genuinely started enjoying the little bits of life I have made. Debt is still there and work is relentless, but my 30min with my guitar has become a grounding point where I can remind myself “Things will get better, incrementally. What else can I do to make the little things better?”
Apologies about the wall of text. Depression is the worst version of ourselves and I hope OP can get through it.
Buy a tiny house, put all my music stuff in it, invite some friends and make some synthwave.
Then, boot up Linux, contribute to open-source and reach the highest level of masteries of the C programming language arcanes.
At night, buy good groceries from the store to make super good food and then DM my roleplaying game campaign for my friends and go to bed after a full filling day of meaningful work.
Then try to visit the world, meet people, make friends, talk do stuff and repeat.
I want to work, but work on meaningful stuff.